Should a greeting card to a friend be addressed as 'Mrs W Butler', even in modern times, similar to the etiquette of the 1920s?
In today's society, the practice of addressing women by their married names in letters has become a topic of much debate. This controversy stems from the tradition that women often adopt their husband's surname after marriage, which can obscure their identity, personal history, and autonomy.
Sophia Money-Coutts, a renowned freelance features writer and author, has weighed in on the issue. Money-Coutts, who has previously served as the Features Director at Tatler and has written for esteemed publications such as The Standard, The Sunday Telegraph, The Times, and appeared on the our platform Frontispiece in 2022, has written extensively about etiquette matters, including this contentious issue.
The controversy is particularly strong among women under 50 years old, with many expressing a preference for retaining their maiden name or adopting alternate naming conventions to maintain their personal and professional identities. One commenter even compared the traditional practice to slavery, highlighting the emotional weight of the issue.
Modern etiquette increasingly recognizes these sensitivities and encourages using the name the woman prefers—whether that is her maiden name, married name, hyphenated combination, or a different chosen name. When addressing an envelope to a friend, it's not worth worrying too much about formality. However, if the friend has not taken her husband's name, it's best to proceed with caution.
In formal situations, such as addressing envelopes to the Prince and Princess of Wales or a ducal family, formality might be necessary. When uncertain, politely asking or using full names to avoid presumption is recommended. Hyphenated or combined names should also be honoured as a reflection of the woman's chosen identity.
The shift in etiquette reflects a growing emphasis on respect for personal autonomy and identity. Failure to address women by their correct chosen names can cause discomfort or offense and may perpetuate gender bias. Official documents and institutions increasingly recognize the diversity of post-marriage naming choices, although processes for name changes differ legally by jurisdiction.
In summary, the controversy arises because marital surname conventions intersect with issues of gender equality and personal identity. Contemporary etiquette recognizes diverse naming practices and emphasizes using the name that the woman herself prefers, reflecting respect for her autonomy and identity. This marks a shift from automatic assumption of the husband's name to more inclusive and individualized approaches.
Women today, particularly those under 50, often prefer to maintain their personal and professional identities by retaining their maiden names or adopting alternative naming conventions. This shift in lifestyle, including fashion-and-beauty and home-and-garden choices, extends to personal matters such as their names.
In the sphere of relationships, the growing emphasis on personal autonomy and identity necessitates using the name that a woman prefers, signifying respect for her individuality and self-expression. This embraces a modern lifestyle that values inclusivity and individualism.
